Start with What Is

If I had a theme song, I think it might be “One of These Things” from Sesame Street. My life has been a series of moments that told me “one of these things is not like the others, one of these things is not the same.” Words like unusual, weird, and different have been thematic. Profiles, assessments, and tests have been retaken many times because “that is an unusual result, I think we should try it again; “Make sure you answer more sincerely this time;” “Don’t overthink it;” “Hmmm… maybe something happened with the test.” It didn’t. It’s just me.

When I was a child, I was excluded and made fun of, often isolated. I spent a lot of time feeling left out. There were times when I would have done anything to be and feel more ‘normal.’ I am fortunate to have had wonderful individual friends but when they returned to ‘their group,” I no longer fit. These individual relationships were my lifeline in an experience that often felt a lot like being on the outside looking in. I never understood what I needed to do or change so I could make sense and belong. Even in my own family, I was the oddball.

When I was an adolescent, I withdrew. I lived with my anxiety. I looked for and found other misfits. Still, it was more like being part of a collection than belonging to a group. Again, I formed relationships with just a few individuals. Creativity and art were my tethers. I relied on solitary space and quiet to create and connect to something bigger than myself. It was about escape, it was about creating a world and a space where I belonged, where there weren’t boundaries or boxes. The only problem is that I was the only one in it.

In college, another collection, a few incredible relationships, and deeper involvement in learning, understanding, and creating. I worked hard to be proud of being different, to embrace it, to own it. That was also met with defensiveness and dismissiveness- “Anne, everyone is different.” The message was then, you aren’t really special after all. Who do you think you are?

In my career, my MO was to work harder than everyone else. Don’t say no. Do everything so well that people who might hurt you get quiet. More than once, I heard “if she weren’t so damn good, I would fire her.” It wasn’t because I did anything wrong. It was because I was different. It was because I made people uncomfortable. I wanted to change things and improve them however possible. I found my way around “no.”

Then, I decided to just let it go. I decided to just show up and as a friend observed, became “apologetically myself.” I tried to make it easier for others to be okay with me and what I did. I extended olive branches and (still) often try to preface what I am to protect myself from the way people might react. I also found that existing at arm’s length allowed me to lead successfully. The separation was a benefit that gave me a more objective point of view and allowed me to see a wider array of perspectives.

As I live into who I am, though, I find myself surrounded more by people that get me, find the eccentricities endearing, and that see the humor in it all. In some ways, I am still a little kid seeking validation and approval. It’s only that now, I can be vulnerable enough to understand that motivation and work past it. I am mature enough to not let it get in my way of doing something that matters.

I have been the thing to exclude. I have made people uncomfortable. I have pushed boundaries. I am different. It’s my job to understand where the value lies in it and how I can tap into that value to make a difference for others. At 40 years old, I experienced true belonging outside of my family group for the first time. And, it really is so much better than I ever imagined. Interestingly, knowing what it feels like has helped me to find and create more of that feeling in my life and work.

I would say that I want to encourage people who have experienced the same things. I do. But, I believe that we all feel this way at one point or another. A lot of people know how to push it down and mold themselves to fit. It mystifies me. I’m not capable of it. I have always envied that ability. However, I think the more people hide their weirdness, the more that everything they are a part of is less. I want deeply to live and show up courageously as my whole self. I want to be okay with being a tension point for some people. There is real value there, that’s a place where magic lives.

I have been described more than once as a catalyst. My ability to act in that capacity is only possible because of what I am and the experiences that have grown out of me figuring out how to come to terms with how I fit. Because I do fit in this world. I may be an anomaly. I may be an exception to the rule. But, it has afforded me the freedom to push things in a new direction. It has allowed me to break and bend rules. It has helped me to solve problems creatively, find new paths forward, and see more novel ways of approaching situations.

My work ethic and dogged determination have sharpened my skills in a constant push toward growth, learning, and betterment. I’ve spent more time than I can quantify in self-understanding, self-awareness, and regular reflection. I’ve worked to be so good that it pulled the wind out of the haters’ sails. Even if there was a lot of performing and proving along the way, all that work has paid off in surprising ways.

To find my purpose, do something that matters, and in efforting to construct a career that I believe will make a difference and create real change, I have to accept what is. Just like the starting point for good decisions, balanced judgment, and strategy, we all have to start there. We have to start with ourselves and slowly work through the rings to our families, teams, environments, communities, cultures, organizations, and beyond by understanding from where we are beginning. It allows us to ask good questions. It allows us to see things as they are. Know what is, and as the Serenity Prayer says- accept the things you cannot change and have the courage to change what you can. But then, find a way to make it work to achieve the desired outcomes, use it to your advantage, and build a plan that is actually achievable.

In every challenge lives an opportunity. To dig it out, you have to know what you are working with, the tools you have, and be able to see things clearly. Because what I’ve learned is that it was never really about me after all. It was about tapping into what made me unique so I could do more to contribute and do more for others. I want to live into my highest good. It’s my ‘different’ and my ‘weird’ that will lead me there.

If you haven’t asked yourself what your differentiator is (that is what we are talking about), perhaps you should. That is your competitive advantage. That is how you will make a difference. Everyone loses if you aren’t bringing what is uniquely you to the table. So, start with what is. It is the only way to realize what could be.

annewinn.com blog | Originally posted on October 27, 2021 | Photo by Pedro Dias on Pexels

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